Samson and Delilah

No not the Tom Jones song, the space cadets who featured in The Book of Judges. So, Samson was a big strong ox of a man, kind of like an olden day WWF fighter. "Ladies and Gentleman, the big man mountain, can kick your ass with a jawbone - It's.....SAMSON !!!". That one. Apparently, this long haired hippy was kicking ass in the name of god, who was mighty pissed off because his ears were alight.....no, sorry, he was pissed off with the Israelites.

So in a god-like fashion, as is his want, he created Samson to go and kick the Philistines in the bollocks and other such tough stuff. Thus god said to Samsons dad that his son was not allowed to go on the piss, ever, because he knew what trouble that would cause. Samson in a pub and some Philistine says "Come on big guy - come and have a go if you think you're hard enough" - "Piss off" said Samson "I'm waiting for football to be invented" but no, the Philistine had to keep goading Samson and then with a big SWAT all the crowd just went "Fucking hell - he just knocked that guys head clean off".

Thus Samson was not allowed to drink and not allowed to cut his hair either. So Samson spends twenty years or so kicking ass and that's ok, because the Philistines must have been stupid. I mean, 3,000 of you march up to one man and within seconds he has killed the first 200 - I'm sorry, but I would have been the one near the back saying "Which way are you gonna run?" "Why?" - "Oh I just want to know so I don't run over your arse"... Run away, you can laugh about the shit when you get home. It ain't clever to be brave and dead - jeez, there's no fun in that at all.

As Samson's first wife had been burned, presumably for being flammable, he has to go and find another chick. And this is does, a little filly from Philistine called Delilah. Unfortunately for Samson, she's a treacherous little cow who has been pursuaded by her fellow Philistines to find out the secret of Samsons strength. So, the little witch gets his head shaved and thus he no longer has his strength. The Philistines 'put out his eyes' - quite why they do this is a mystery, it's not like seeing anything is going to help him if he has his strength no more but, I suppose they were just the Silly Sect of Philistines.

Then they make Samson grind grain, because you can do that without eyes. I suppose they could have made him do other jobs that don't require eyes, but not much as he'd keep falling down holes and stuff. They did try with an early version of a guide dog, a guide rabbit but then they just had to keep digging him out of the holes the rabbit had dug. So back to the granary it was.

The Philistines by now have got very cocky and decide to have a big ceremony in their temple so they send for Samson to entertain them. Well, not really entertain them, they just want him to do juggling and stuff that require hand/eye co-ordination. Samson asks his guide, who is not a rabbit, to let him lean against the pillars in the middle of the Temple. His hair has grown back but his strength had not returned. Samson puts in an emergency call to god - after the angel has put him on hold for a while, god comes on "Look" said Samson "I know I fucked up but let me have my strength for one thing" - god listens to his plan, gives a god-like giggle and says "OK, but only for once".

Then Samson pushes the pillars over and the Temple crashes down and all the Philistines become Flatistines. Samson also dies, which is sad because he didn't do anything wrong - except to listen to that bloody woman.

Luckily for Samson though, Tom Jones who is over 2,000 years old but has a very good plastic surgeon, saw Delilah through a window, and after finding a knife in his hand, she was no more. Hooray, she won't be lobbing any knickers at Sir Tom of Jones then.....