Now I'm sure that there are many of you out there who love the Eurovision Non-Song Contest but I am not one of them. The thought of having to listen and watch, some warbling midget from Elbonia in a basque is just hateful. Tonight, the bastard competition is being held again. Hmmm. Won't be watching that then. Apparently, 120 million people are going to watch this banal shite. Bloody hell - get a life !!
Somebody asked me if I would be watching it - "No, I'd rather slide down a bannister made of razor blades using my bollocks for brakes". "That'll be a no then? - "No that'll be an - ask me such a stupid question again and I'll stab you in the eye with this pencil".
I nipped down to my local pub for a few beers and maybe a chat and gaaarrrgghh not only is the bastard programme on, it's on the huge screens reserved usually for sports. Now, if someone was attempting to assasinate the contestants as they pranced around in stupid outfits, singing bullshit in a multitude of languages - yeah, whack it on the big screen. Unfortunately not, not one single attempt to silence one of them as I hastily drank my pint and retreated to a safer place.
What is it that people enjoy about this crap? It's not music - not by my definition anyway. I'd rather listen to whales mating - at least they stay in tune ! And yet, for some reason, the same shit resurfaces every year like the floating turd that will not flush down the toilet of life.
Last year, the winners were some Klingons from Finland singing.....something, sort of. Of course it all gained credibility because a previously unknown band called Abba won the competition in 1974 with a cheerful ditty about a huge battle, in Belgium of all places. That they went on to sell squillions of records thereby proved the legitamacy of the competition. Righto - that will explain why Fucks Bizz were such a huge success after 1981's victory then.
Still, 120 million people will be watching this dirge tonight, cheering on their country like it makes a difference. Voting will commence and people will get scammed into thinking their telephone vote makes a difference. Meanwhile, lots of political manouvering will ensure that some shite country with something to offer it's 3 or 4 neighbours will win.
Next year I want a change. I want a vote on which shite act should get assasinetd first. Normally, it's nice people who get assasinated, think Martin Luther King, John Lennon, JFK etc. Let's do it democratically - instead of voting for who should be off the show, let's vote for who should be off the planet.
Now there's a thought.........
*wanders off to contemplate his vote*