The Ten Plagues

So according to the Big Book Of Bullshit, there were TEN plagues visited upon Man but they all happened in Exodus, which is another word for leaving, so if you were going on holiday or something, it didn't actually matter. If we are to believe what the men in beards said, the plagues happened in this order... blood, frogs, lice, flies, pestilence, boils, hail, locusts, darkness and then death - which is pretty much how the NHS in the UK operates today.

Goth will explain the plagues, as he doesn't have a beard and has no need of Man to worship him:-

Blood - This was when the vampires turned up but it was ok if you were female as it only occurred once every 28 days until you became old and senile, or had garlic.

Frogs - and god created the Muppet Show and appointed Kermit to rule the world but he couldn't as he was just a fucking puppet and Man said "But you've got your hand up his bum - that's not scary, well apart from the hand up the bum bit", and thus god had to go and invent another plague like..

Lice - which invaded Man's hair, until Man invented shampoo and then all the lice said "oh bollocks" and thus they went.

'I know', thought god in an omnipotent way, 'I'll send a plague of...'

Flies - who thought they were clever and buzzed around until spiders appeared and then they exclaimed "Buzzing hell - look out for the web Blue, aw too fucking late" but by then Man had invented hairspray which stopped the fly's wings from working and they fell out of the air and Man stomped on them with a satisfying squidge.

Pestilence - an interesting theory which was basically a 'get-out' clause for the men with beards - "Ha ha" they said "No one will notice that this is actually all plagues and we will send rats and they will - fucking hell Dave Beardo, the bastard's had away with the cheese".

'Useless twats' thought god and so he created...

Boils - "Ah" protested Man "But Woman may not like me and then we won't procreate?" and the god said "Shit, I don't know" and thus the boils were prevented and some spotty dermatologist invented Clearasil and all boils were banished to the bottoms of trainspotters.

Next god decided to piss around with the weather and so he sent a plague of..

Hail - "Watch me make Man run and duck for cover" said god to the men with beards, "I have invented bouncing snow and it's hard as fuck" but Man had discovered caves and he just laughed whilst sitting around the fire, roasting marshmallows and saying "Crikey, it's bouncing down out there"

'Right', thought god, 'Now you're going to get it' and he sent ..

Locusts - That will eat everything and leave nothing left, but Man had invented the fridge and as the locusts didn't have the correct combination, they couldn't get in and they all died and were made into marmalade.

Darkness - Thus god resorted to darkness and so he banned all the little lights in the fridge and torches and batteries and electricity and anything else that made light but Man just said "Wow, I'm sleepy now missus, let's get under the bearskin and friggy-diggy" and woman said "OK - as the Vampires are not back for a few weeks".

"That is bloody it !" shouted god and got on his big white telephone and called his other half..

Death - "Hiya god" said Death "What do you need now?" - "I need you to do some reaping, me old mucker" replied god, explaining the Plague Syndrome to Death. "Doesn't that defeat the object?" asked Death. "Just bloody do it" replied god and thus created his own slogan.

AND THAT'S WHAT REALLY HAPPENED

On My Monkeywall

(Helps if you listen to that shit band Oasis at the time)

Today, you're going to the zoo,
The lemur throws the shit at you
Oy now, that really fucking hurt,
I can't believe you can't avoid it
I don't care how much they stare
About my monkey hair now
Who fucking cares

Backbone, is feeling kinda odd
But my arms won't stretch that far now
I guess, you've trumped so much before
That they never really heard your farting
I don't care for what they find
In my funky hair
Who fucking cares

And all the trees you swing from now are bending
And all the vines are breaking as you're blending
Into gorillas in the mist
I swear you're pissed
I don't know why

Just maybe
It can be the monkey that saves me
Or bugger all
On my Monkeywall

Today, I was going to the zoo
The chimpanzee did a poo
By god, I knew it fucking hurt
Too late, I didn't see his point
I didn't see how he cared for me now
About my fur
Who fucking cares

And all the branches are really appalling
And all the grapes they are so falling
Into shit so deep
I wish to keep
I don't know why

Just maybe
He can be the chimp to shave me
Of my hair
On my Monkeywall

Seven Wonders of The World (#1 - Gardens of Babylon)

The Seven Wonders originated in Greek Tourist Guides before EasyJet came along polluting the sky. Thus the wonders were limited to the Mediterranean area as the little Greeks couldn't get further afield.

Today, out resident gardener Alan Titwillow examines the first of the wonders:

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon

*Enter Alan in his tweed jacket and unkempt hair*

It's amazing really to think that it was 600 years before the supposed birth of christ that these gardens were built. This was even before the days of Thou Art B&Qus, so the fact that these walls over 75 high could be built with their own water circulation is, in itself quite amazing really.

The Gardens themself were all created by that well known gardener Nebuchadnezzar II just because his wife was moaning that the little window box was not big enough. You can almost imagine Neb sitting there thinking 'I just wanted to go to the Tavern but alright, I'll bloody show you'. And he did, with such an impressive structure that it became one of the Seven Wonders of the world.

Unfortunately, thanks to the original site being in Iraq, which has a history of blowing things up for no reason, I have had to reconstruct the gardens using the same technology they did back then. Due to budgetary constraints - i.e. the BBC are more interested in programs about bloody cooking instead of gardening, I only had £100 to spend.

First, I had to pick an historic site and so I thought back to my childhood and what inspired me to take up gardening in the first place to welcome to Titwillows Slightly Wilted Blue Peter Garden.


In order to demonstrate the size and scale of the gardens, I have had to borrow some of my sons action man toys. So at the top, the american army jeep actually represents the horse drawn chariots which could circumnavigate the B-25, the first true by-pass constructed by man. Below that, the Bonsai trees that I nicked from the canteen actually represent 100-foot high trees and those little yellow easter chickens I have superglued are actually the giant eagles that used to come and land in the trees and swoop off with cows and sheep.

As I had no idea how to construct an Archimedes Pump as in the original, the hosepipe at the top serves to water all the plants but just imagine that gravity was reversed and water was flowing up instead of down.

Fortunately for me, some little spider monkeys escaped from the Blue Peter studio, but imagine they are actually huge big monkeys like orangutans and those rosehips that they are throwing at each other are actually 2-foot wide water melons. Strong little rascals aren't they "Hey ! Get off my giant strawberries you little bastards" - Sorry, that's the beauty of nature - you can't control it.

The little pile of dog-poo near the base is actually the huge compost heap made from a thousand elephants passing by, all of which was used to fertilize the amazing variety of plants that grew in the gardens.

So as I demonstrate Action Man walking through the gardens, you can appreciate how impressive it looked to all the little greek tourists, represented by the various Subutteo players that I sellotaped to little plastic horses near the base. It really is a marvel and I am so proud of this scale model that "Get that fucking dog off my garden before it digs eveything up !!"

Anyway, that's all for this week. Join us next week when Bob The Builder demonstrates how the Pyramids of Egypt were constructed without any modern technology at all.

Vampire Time

Being a Vampire is a vocation, a calling, a thirst even - and I like it, so bloody what?! The hours suit me - none of that pissing around at the crack of dawn, although I'm sure Dawn is very tempting.

Anyway, the Vampire clothes are very fitting too, in a rather Gothic fashion. You should see a Vampire in the shops.....

"Mmmm black, suits you sir - will you be wanting the coffin to go with that?"

"I have lived amongst the undead for 300 years"

"Perhaps Sir will be interested in our Frequent Undead card then - 40% discount on all purchases before dawn".

"Fuck off, I'm a Vampire and....... oh, does the cape come for free?"

*Sorry, got distracted by a concubine trying on a new bosom-lifting dress.*

Anyway, Sunday is a special day for Vampires as the cattle go to church - it's like a drive-through takeaway. None of the bullshit about having to get up and buy the paper -

"Fuck off, I'm a Vampire !!"

"But you'll miss the best part of the day"

"No I fucking won't as I won't be there - ha, look I'm a bat, or a wolf or some mysterious mist".

There are some down sides to being a Vampire though....

Sex - As a Vampire you can't have sex, ever - which is a bit of a pisser, in a non-golden showers sort of way.

Mirrors - "Bollocks, my eyeliner isn't on straight is it? I can't see a fucking thing".

Dentists - real pain in the fucking neck - bastards from hell with little mirrors and stuff.

Garlic - not good for Vampires, but it should be as you can't prepare a decent pasta dish without it.

Crucifixes - "Oh look isn't that cute, it's the image of christ, sort of, nailed to a tree - gaaaarrrggh

Holy water - What the fuck is holy about water anyway? Wodka to go, please barman.

Stakes - they give Vampires such heartburn which is a shame as it's rare, bloody rare, to get one just done right.

Other than that, it's a fucking hoot being a Vampire, well, until that Van Helsing muppet turns up. Sanctimonious prick.

"I'm on a mission from god - I will send you to the abyss from whence thou came"

*shouts*
"It's behind you!!"

*changes into a bat and flutters off into the night sky, laughing*

Wanna Be Starting Something

As it seemed so popular, and being a lazy bastard who can't be arsed to write something new... more first lines of songs. All you have to do is guess the original artist and song. No rules really except that you can't google the fuckers as that's cheating and I will send a plague of bees to your house. Well, I won't actually but if the bees would shut up long enough and listen, I would, May Bee.

1. "I want you to know, that I'm happy for you"
2. "Finished with my woman 'cos she couldn't help me with my mind"
3. "She says her love for me could never die, that would change if she ever found out about you and I"
4. "It's a god-awful small affair, to the girl with the mousey hair"
5. "You know that it would be untrue, you know that I would be a liar"
6. "Do you have the time, to listen to me whine"
7. "Out on the wiley, windy moors, wed roll and fall in green"
8. "Load up on guns, bring your friends it's fun to lose and to pretend"
9. "Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you"
10. "Better stop dreaming of the quiet life -Cos its the one well never know"
11. "I didn't hear you leave, I wonder why I'm still here"
12. "Can't explain all the things that you're making me feel, oooeooe, my hearts in overdrive"
13. "Oh I've tried before to tell her, of the feelings I have for her in my heart"
14. "I met a gin soaked bar-room queen in Memphis, she tried to take me upstairs for a ride"

Oh, and if you've got this far, you need to get out more....

*falls off floor laughing*

EEK *dusting himself off* and let that be a lesson to you *he said, pointing at the mirror*

Jonah and The Bloody Big Fish

So firstly, there was a prophet called Jonah and he was so good at telling stories that the men with big beards even gave him his own book in the bible. Granted it was only 2 pages long but it's not that interesting a story really. Through time, this has become known as the Tale of Jonah and The Whale which is silly because a whale is not a fish, it's a mammal and they eat things like plankton which are really small and so it couldn't have eaten Jonah unless he was a small prophet.

Anyway, Jonah was wandering around preaching and saying how bloody great god was and he was really popular and spent a lot of time giving autographs. God spoke to him and told him that he had to go to a great city called Nineveh and so Jonah, being curious asked why. When god explained what a bad lot of people they were and how sinful they were Jonah said

"Fuck that for a game of soldiers, they might kill me or anything" and so Jonah stole away on a ship to escape.

However, by now, god had finished his lunch and saw what Jonah was doing and so he farted and a big storm erupted in the sea, a bit like a god-like jacussi thing. All of the sailors were really frightened and started throwing things overboard in case they had an unlucky item on board. Unfortunately, after they had tossed everything over the side, the storm had not ceased and so they started accusing each other of being the evil one.

Eventually, Jonah got bored of this and feeling a little bit guilty anyway said "Alright lads, my fuck-up" and proceeded to explain how he'd pissed god off by not going to save the city. The sailors listened in awe and some smart arse at the back said "Chuck him overboard" but Jonah had already volunteered as he could swim really well anyway.

"But can I walk the plank?" asked Jonah "It will look really good in the pictures in the bible" but the sailors had already decided to throw him overboard and they'd thrown the plank away earlier. Thus Jonah got lobbed over the side and the sea became calm immediately.

At this point, a bloody big fish (that was NOT a whale) swallowed Jonah and he spent three days inside the fish trying to tickle it but he couldn't find the funny bone. God decided that Jonah had learned his lesson and forced the fish to spit Jonah onto the land. The people on the beach were drinking Hebrew cocktails and as Jonah flew overhead they said "Wow, you don't see that every day - another one please waiter" and so Jonah became known as Fishman.(a bit like Batman but without the cool gadgets)

Fishman, who obviously smelt a lot like fish now, went to the city and converted everyone from evil to good, just so that they could get rid of the smell really. Even the king said "Bloody hell, these robes smell of fish" and so exchanged them for a sack and god thought it was an act of pennace.

Jonah however had nowhere to live and so he went outside the city and built a small hobbit hut which he called Fish End and lived there whingeing about the fishy smell. So god created a palm tree so that Jonah could make coconut shampoo and coconut soap and get rid of the smell of fish.

*Vote for next weeks Gothic bible story - a) King Solomon, b) Daniel and the Lion or c) The Ten Plagues - 2*

ps would have done one of those vote things but I can't be arsed - exit only see !!

Highway to Hell

So I've been thinking about this and, assuming that the heaven type place is in an upwardly direction, and involves climbing ladders and tricky stuff like that, and hell is in the opposite direction and more prone to the laws of gravity, then AC/DC were right after all, the road to hell is a highway.

It will be a highway full of gas guzzling cars travelling at breakneck speed with rock music blasting out of their stereos. Along the way will be Diners serving cholesterol laden burgers, as much beer as you can drink and with pretty young things offering all sorts of dubious 'goodies' for free. Bonus points will be added for squashing old pedestrians on the way, with double the points for splatting any speed cops trying to spoil the fun.

It's not really that much of a surprise why the highest selling video games are things like Grand Theft Auto instead of Converting the Sinners. What a fucking boring game that must be. You wander around Springfield town, bible in hand knocking on doors with your trusty crucifix as a weapon.

"Do you believe in..." *SLAM* - "Oh, that'll be a no then" - onto the next singing hymns on the way with bonus points for working out what the fuck they are talking about.

Meanwhile, back on the Highway to Hell, everyone's having a riot of a time. I bet it's like one of those bowling lanes where they put inflatable tubes along the side so you cannot fail to reach the end.

Back in heaven, the angels are busy trying to come up with a new version to compete - The Stanna Lift to Heaven. You get to sit in a chair and get hoisted to heaven whilst learning the entire bible on the way up, stopping at every floor for some well earned tea and scones. "Oh yes" says Gabriel, chief softshite engineer "this new version will really kick some bottom".

Down in hell, their software engineer, Bon Scott is saying "Fuck it, let them strap jet engines to the roof of the car and then see how fast the bastards will go".

Now I'm not much of a games fan but if I had a choice between climbing a ladder or driving a Ferrari Daytona at 300 mph I know which queue I'm going to be in..... the long mother fucker.

I wonder what else might be available on the Highway to Hell????

Bloody Crikey - Now That's a Start

If you're going to have a famous song, it helps if you start with an absolute killer of a first line. For example, some songs have a first line that just sets the tone for everything that follows. AND before anyone tries to be clever and say this is the Gothic music collection, it's not - but Goth did have fun pissing around with his Muppet 3 for a while.

So for those of you with nothing better to do, song title and original artists please ;-)

1. "I think I'm gonna be sad, I think it's today"
2. "Born down in a dead mans town"
3. "Today is gonna be the day but they're gonna throw it back to you"
4. "Load up on guns, bring your friends, it's fun and easy to pretend"
5. "I would have given you all of my heart but there's someone who's torn it apart"
6. "Theres a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold"
7. "She's got a smile that it seems to me, reminds me of childhood memories"
8. "I was born, in a crossfire hurricane"
9. "I can't believe the news today, I can't close my eyes and make it go away"
10. "Guess who just got back today, them wild eyed boys who've been away"
11. "There's no point in asking, you'll get no reply"
12. "Life, is bigger, it's bigger than you and you are not me"
13. "We all came out to Montreaux, on the lake Geneva shore"
14. "Tommy used to work on the docks, union went on strike, he's down on his luck"

Or you can suggest your own.....but, it has to be well known and just the first line

Another Day in Paradise

So, Goth will try and describe a usual day in the capital of Europe. Goth could wish he was a cunning linguist but, he never was that good at tennis. It will be raining (it's always fucking raining in Brussels) and grey and full of stupid twats called 'tourists' who couldn't afford to go somewhere interesting like Prague or Venice or any fucking where that matters.

However, stuck in Brussels like a pig on a stick, one could decide to embark on an adventure, braving the magical mystery machine, known as the Metro. Cunning piece of technology designed to put people in little tunnels in the vain hope that they might go somewhere interesting. As it never quite works that way, one might arrive in a pub-type place.

*Set the scene Goth*

OK, one might find an Irish bar with...

An Irish barman with Dutch roots and the 'munchies'
A dippy Irish girl with a lunatic boyfriend
A German guy with intelligence but not enough to fuck off when told to
An English person with more money than sense
A Welsh man with a slightly ironic attitude
An Indian without a cowboy in sight
A French woman with an empty stomach and the latest sudoku
A Scotsman with a penchant for crosswords
A South American with ideas beyond their reach
A Greek man with a BMW but no charisma
A Belgian wastoid without a shag since life began
A Spanish waiter who drops everything he touches
An American looking for proper food
A Mexican with an habitual need for various substances

oh, and lots of alcohol at inflated prices.

Welcome to the cosmopolitan hell that is Brussels, without a van Damn in sight.

Of course, one should not forget the train of European 'amateur politicians' passing through hoping that someone notices their prescence, a smattering of burnt out journalists and various celebrities who couldn't be famous if their very life force depended on it.

Add to that, some stale peanuts, some out-of-date crisps and lashings of mayonnaise and welcome to the jungle baby.

Could be worse I suppose, the doors might be closed or they could have banned smoking.... again... for a day or twenty.

Bollocks, get the beers in.

Breaking The Law

* Warning - do not write when drunk - it's not big and it's not fucking clever, although, it is funny as fuck at the time*

So, I am so radical that I'm not really a radish at all - in a vegetarian way. "Let's break the law" said the devil on my shoulder, "then again, let's not" said the angel on the opposite shoulder, which doesn't really help at all because that's simply contradictory.

Bollocks

Oh yeah, breaking the law, Judas and his priest, my arse - eek, that will be why Halford is gay then. ( Think eighties shite music for that to make any bloody sense at all). All religion is gay - fuck, I don't even know what gay is but I bet it has something to do with temples, and leather and...

Anyhoots, back to breaking the law - give me a law and I will break it, just out of sheer bloody mindedness (nice word, I think, - the last word).

At this point, people generally say "Goth, you're pissed" and I laugh, in a Gothic fashion, because they're correct.

But then I say, Priest? Fucking Priest? It's the Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I'm still going to post this, as a reminder of just how stupid I can be having imbibed whisky from a jar.

Hooray for alcofool.

Thus God Invented Beards

'Fuckin hell' thought God, as he rushed around inventing stuff, muttering 'No way will I win this bet - 7 days and a bank holiday thrown in too' but, he perservered in a god-like fashion.

As he added the final touches to man, Mrs God shouted "Have you stopped fucking about in your shed yet?" which caused God to panic.

"Oh bollocks" said God, looking at the lifeless form he was preparing "Now I've put the head on upside down". But, before he had a chance to correct his new jigsaw puzzle, Mrs God yelled again.

With a flash of lightning, God gave life to man, whilst at the same time shouting "Yeah, be there in a minute dear" to Mrs God, who was busy laying the table with food for the Gods.

"Comig dear" exclaimed God, in a celestial manner and prepared himself for afternoon tea, trying to brush his fuck-up under the table and hope it would not be seen.

"What's this then?" asked man, stroking his new furry bit.

"That will be called a beard then" replied God "and you can use it to catch mice, or sweep the table, or.....

*BANG*

"Fucking hell, Mrs God is coming - quick, hide" said God.

"But what do I do with this beard thing?" asked man.

"Fucking improvise" replied God "And it will still look cool in the bible, until I set fire to it" and thus God left Man and his beard before he got into really deep shit.

Thus, man wandered off with his new beard thing, and woman was a bit pissed off as God had flung her beard in a casual way and it had only landed half-way up.

"Excellent" said man 28 days later "Caught a mouse then?"

and the rest is history........

So God Said Fuck Off

Well he didn't actually but he might of, if he wasn't too stoned to notice what was happening. If I was god as opposed to Goth, which I am, 'FUCK OFF' would be the first thing I invented, then at least one would have an answer for everything.

"But god, it is so dark" - FUCK OFF
"Spiders have 8 legs but I only have 2" - FUCK OFF
"If a chicken crossed a road, and.." - FUCK OFF

So, god had to get busy in his little workshop of creation, fashioning shite out of nothingness in a god-like way. However, things didn't go to plan as god invented spliffs and he shared a spliff with his best buddy, Lucifer.

"Dude, that is such a crock of shit" said Lucifer, at which point god said "FUCK OFF... I haven't invented you yet"

So god banished his smoking partner, Lucifer and decided to create earth and all the things upon it, in a general haphazard and somewhat stoned fashion.

'This will be so fucking funny' thought god but then his arse twitched, in a god-like manner.

Pulling his skids to the side he thought, 'this is going to be so fucking funny' but, he wanted a second opinion, and so he invented angels to get some feedback.

"Errr, god, this design for Norway doesn't really work"

FUCK OFF - *shazam*

"God - you've left drugs all over the planet"

FUCK OFF - *shazam*

oops, shouldn't have done that

"God, you know that" *ducking for cover* "this won't actually work"

FUCK OFF - *shazam*

GODLIKE TONE

I AM SENDING MY SON TO SORT THIS SHIT OUT, AND HE'S BRINGING CHOCOLATE AND RABBITS AND AVOIDING THE TREES I HAVE INVENTED AND NOT PASSING GO OR STUFF - AND IF YOU FUCKERS TRY TO MAKE A CRUCIFIX......

*Many people with beards nod and bow down in deference*

FUCK OFF - *shazam*

Not So Hungry Now

Previously in Goth World, Goth could go without eating food for three or four days without disturbing the balance of nature. Apparently, this is not the case any more - in fact, it's fucking painful.

In a vain attempt to prove that Goth is the Anti-Christ and immune to all human temptations - Goth has been not eating food for too fucking long - i.e. over two days now

*mmm beans, on toast*

Policemen look like jelly babies, spotty teenagers look like the pizza they should be delivering. Fucking hell, everything looks like food.

FUCK - the sofa has just turned into a hamburger

It has been 57 hours since Goth ate anything, helped by the fact that Belgium had an Assumption Day - I don't know what they are assuming but it doesn't really help

*must not give in, will not give in*

Can't look in fridge as it may contain food. Won't turn the TV on as it may have cooking programmes where an egg becomes an omelette, or egg on toast, or ouef florentine or a cake......

*must not give in, will not give in*

And the worst part is, Goth is not a fat bastard at all - but, Goth needs to eat, maybe

What the fuck should a Goth eat??????

Famous Uses of Fuck

These are attributed uses of the word FUCK by very notable people through history. Obviously I didn't make any of these up at all (don't be so cynical) - they're all true, honest injun... Feel free to suggest some I may have left off.

• "Fucking hell, that was close" - Mayor of Hiroshima
• "Watch it, that fucker will have somebodys eye out" - King Harold
• "Heads are going to fucking roll" - Henry VIII
• "Any fucking idiot could understand that" - Albert Einstein
• "It fucking does look like her!" - Picasso
• "How the fuck did you figure that out?" - Pythagoras
• "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
• "Fuck a duck" - Walt Disney
• "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" - Joan of Arc
• "Scattered showers my fucking arse!" - Noah
• "Where the fuck did all these fucking Indians come from?" - General Custer
• "What fucking iceberg?" - Captain of the Titanic
• "Where the fuck have you been?" - Stanley to Livingstone

Oh, and if you don't like the word 'fuck', tough shit, go and piss about with the disney website or something....

Welcome to Apocrypha

For those of you that don't know, it is derived from a Greek word meaning 'hidden (things, usually texts)'. It sometimes referred to writings that should remain hidden from the general public for fear they may cause a general panic.

So guess which monkeys decided to use the same concept? Oh yes, it's also a book in the Bible. Effectively it contains some of the explanations of previous books before someone explained that you could issue a revised edition, deleting the bits that didn't make sense (along the line of man existing from day 1 and apparently dinosaurs existing million of years earlier).

According to Apocrypha, dinosaurs did exist but the men with big beards just described them as big lizards as in "Forsooth Daniel, that's a big fucking lizard" to which Daniel replied "Yes, but it is still one of gods creatures, and it appears to have a really big thorn in it's foot. Wait here while I go and help it".

Carbon dating is in there too - under the 'false claims that man might make in the pursuit of science' section, which is kind of impressive unless the writers were blessed with precognitive powers, or they just issued a revised edition in a hurry.

The Nephilim got moved too, as the bearded scribes sat there and thought 'a race of mythical giants who are indeed angels coming to have sex with puny humans - come on Esau, no fuckers going to believe that'.

Persians - all references to them had to get shifted to the book "Look, it's fucking obvious they were here before us, quick, stick them in the Apocrypha".

Ezra had a particularly miserable time of it as he actually started thinking about things and asking questions like, "Well, if god made Adam and he was the first man then why is there all these skeletons of other people all over the place?". 'Oh bollocks' thought the scribes but one of them had a really good idea and said "We'll move his contribution to Apocrypha and claim that they were visions and everyone will just assume he was as mad as a bag of squirrels".

Lots of bearded scribes nodded in agreement and the table filled with food. "Aha - it is a miracle" said one bearded twit, "Don't be so bloody stupid" replied another "That's just the stuff that was stuck in our beards".

And thus, the scribes did a spot check and also decided to move Tobit, Judith and Esthers ramblings into the Apocrypha - in fact, not even Solomon got away without being included but that was hs own fault for building a funky temple without getting planning permission.

Not to worry though as my version of the bible will not have an Apocrypha as I have nothing to hide - so there....

Things I Did NOT Do Yesterday

- Answer my phone, at all, as I am sick of stupid messages

- Buy a newspaper - why bother when you can fucking steal one?

- Eat food - boring bastard stuff

- Check my e-mail at all, kind of relates to the first point

- Hug a tree or buy a lottery ticket

- Drive a car in a fashion dangerous to everyone except me

- Poo in a place other than the correct destination of brown stuff

- Apologise about anything I might have appeared to do but didn't

- Attempt to fly

- Turn into a fish or something equally pointless

- Go to the supermarket, or any other shop

- Give money to some shit charity for no reason

- Cry, in a manner other than dictated to by the Love Police

- Explode

Other than that, it was quite a normal day in Goth World, except I did get strawberry ice cream, oh and found a packet of cigarettes I'd forgotten about, and heard music that made me happy..... oh, and discussed the rest of my life with my soul mate.

If only every day could be that perfect ;-)

Stairway To Heaven

So I've been thinking about this and, assuming that the heaven type place is in an upwardly direction, and that the hell type place is the other way..... oooops, too late.

Anyway, the thing is that you always have to climb a stairway to heaven, laborious time consuming effort designed to make you ponder every decision you have ever taken. Or, sometimes, it's in the form of a ladder, that leads into the bosom of angels but still requires an amount of effort.

Whichever way you look at it, there is no access for people in wheelchairs. Why not god, you useless twat? Because they might leave tyre tracks on your newly laid carpet? Wanker. Can't you just do the 'God and Whack' and get the freshness back?

Or, if you're feeling a little bit tired after a hard day at the orifice, call those lovely people that install stupid lifts on staircases? Then you could speed people up to the bosom of your love at 1 mile per hour.

"Wow, you are so old and grey - but nice beard" exclaims god when they arrive

"I was 6 when I started, and I was a girl too" says the small wizard.

There is another theory, called lifts (or elevators if you live in a backward country).

*small girl steps into lift*

"First floor - perfume, second floor - lingerie, third floor - cooking utensils that nobody uses, sixty ninth floor - heaven" announces the speaker. "Oh, and we'll be playing shit music all the time, and no farting please".

"Erm, just the heaven level please" says the small girl "and before I turn into a wizard please"

*Cool swishy sound* and small soul reaches heaven before puberty.

The Time Has Come

"The time has come, the Walrus said, to speak of many things" - so quoth Sir Lewis of Caroll (fucking white rabbits indeed). Well, I guess it's Goths turn now.

I returned from Spain to Belgium in the hope of many things - and no, there wasn't any ceiling wax or bits of silly string involved. I had hoped to revive the career I had, meet with old friends and enjoy the pleasures of life - dining together, laughing together, drinking together, sharing anecdotes and just being happy.

Life, it seems, is not that simple. Yay, I got a groovy job paying shit loads of money, but that was boring as fuck. Yay, I met some nice new people but, the friends I thought I had, turned out to be 'different'. I know people change, it's a part of life but, you don't change that much - or maybe I just didn't see that clearly to start with.

I make and, will continue to make mistakes, I may be Gothic but I am human, unfortunately. I generally only fuck up my own life though - kind of like a gift that I have.

I would like to say thankyou to the people who have supported me, and they know who they are. As for the others in this rain sodden country, with your shit politics and dubious motives - I extend.... nothing.

Goth is leaving the building - and it will not be via the toilet whilst eating a hamburger.....

*lights a cigarette, tilts the bottle of JD before taking a swig and disappears back into the darkness where he belongs*

Fucking Wankers

Yes, I'm talking to you - so, put down your Kleenex tissues and listen. There are no fucking pictures on this site, at all, ever. Go and take your freaky masturbation intentions somewhere else.

Are we listening? NOT ONE FUCKING PICTURE.

So piss off with your stupid fucking searches on Google, MSN and fucking AOL.

Por ejemplo:-

gothic blow job - not here, not tonight Google-fucker

goth tits - don't think so as I am not a fat bastard

spanish girls fucking - they may do, but not here and not that you can watch

goth blowjobs - hmmmm, detecting a theme here

thetop 10 bigest boobs - learn to spell you fucking tit

harry potter is dead - oops, I made it up - I just wished he was dead but, he's a fictional character so who gives a...

grand mother pissing and fooking - don't even know where to start with you, freak. Slice of death perhaps???

Sorry regular visitors with normal intentions, I was feeling a little bit wired and a little bit...

*twats another pervert*

Will you just fuck off

I will be back to normalish tomorrow..... maybe

Goth Could Wish

Goth could wish - that things could be different. The events that unfolded, would happen in a different way but, it doesn't occur that way.

Goth could wish, that you had met people before they met their pain, and thus been able to save them from their anguish

Goth could wish, that you all had super powers and could fix everything, no matter the problem, it all seemed feasible.

Goth could wish, that life wasn't so hard and genuine people thrived

Goth could wish, that dreams came true

One could wish.....?

Tell Me It's Not True

As I can't be arsed to write a proper post (it would develop into another rant), here are some bizarre facts.... all true appraently:-

- In Quebec, there is an old law that states margarine must be a different color than butter.

- Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

- The town of Calma, Chile in the Atacama Desert has never had rain. (fuckers should come to Bruxelles then)

- Greece's national anthem has 158 verses.

- Netherlands is the only country with a national dog.

- Donald Duck Comics were once banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

- The country code for Russia is "007".

- Nepal is the only country that has a non-rectangular flag. It is also asymmetrical.

- In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off." (probably tastier)

- Australian soldiers used the song "We're Off to See the Wizard" as a marching song in WWII.

And, before you expend energy trying to prove any of them to be wrong - don't bother as I don't care. If however, you have some you would like added to the list, that's different.

Weapons of Mass Destruction

Now here's a fucking concept for you. America marches into Iraq determined to prove the existence of weapons of mass destruction and thus justifying it's bullying tactics against smaller countries.

Guess what? They didn't find any. Quelle surprise.

So now, they have to justify their prescence there again, and no it's got fuck all to do with all the oil there - I mean, that would be just callous and mercenary.

Fast forward to today, and another amazing headline 190,000 weapons including AK47's have gone missing in Iraq. Now losing your car keys is one thing but, 190,000 weapons? Who's in charge? General Stevie Wonder?

But the best part is, how did the weapons get there in the first place? Because the Americans gave them to the Iraqies.

Now I don't know about you, but I'm sensing a pattern here.

*TV interview with George Bush*

"We must wage the war against terrorism by finding the weapons of mass destruction"

"But how can you be sure that these weapons are there President Bush?"

"Because we know for a fact that they are there"

"You sound awfully positive President Bush and that's most unlike you"

*Bush starts shifting nervously*

"I mean to be so sure of it must have been a massive intelligence coup?"

"Erm, not really, no"

"Then how can you be so positive and commit troops to a country?"

"Because we've still got the fucking receipt, alright"

Super Size This

I hate fast food and all the places that sell it. I detest the tasteless garbage that these cheap excuses for purveyors of food, drop into paper bags and encourage you to eat and even try to bribe kids by giving away free toys.

Ronald McDonald is the antichrist - pompous bastard. I don't want to eat your Big Twat with it's tasteless concoction of bread made from paper, with burgers that wouldn't know meat if it went 'Moo'. And then, some spotty little shit has 'gobbed' on (or even worse).

Bugger King - you're no better you hypocritical shit mongers, except maybe at least you didn't fund terrorists.

You want to find the terrorists G Wanker Bush? Well most of them originated thanks to corporate bitches in your fucking country - and then you wonder why you have so many fat, stupid fuckers there.

Quick - tasteless Belgian shite for the morons who'd got bored of chips covered in bloody mayonnaise.

Now, I dare say some of you will object to this - well, tough shit - my blog and I'll say what I bloody well like and, in this case, it is not the corporate orientated excuse for food that you sell. I probably would be correct in assuming you're the same tossers that order 2000 calories of crap and then, "Oh, I'll have a diet coke too". #Newsflash - probably won't help lard-arse#

Reading this and don't like it?

*lifts middle finger in the air* - SUPER SIZE THIS

Jacob's Ladder

In Genesis, god was really busy inventing triangles where all the sides were equal and all the angles added up to 180 when..

"God?"

"Oh for fuck's sake - now it's gone all squidgy" said god looking at his now isoceles triangle "What do you want now Jacob?"

"Sorry - I didn't mean to spoil anything but when you said to paint the room, well the thing is, I can't do that bit in the top corner so could I have longer arms or something. I tried throwing the paintbrush at it but, watch.."

*throws paintbrush in the air*

SPLAT

"Ow, that was my good eye ... it doesn't bloody work"

God sighed in an ominpotent sort of way and with a loud whooshy sound, a set of stepladders appeared before Jacob

"Fucking cool" said Jacob, in an understated biblical fashion "Is it a stairway to heaven?"

"It might be but, first it will enable you to reach the very corners of the room" boomed god

"So it doesn't actually lead anywhere then?" asked Jacob taking his first tentative steps on the ladder and promptly falling off "They're a bit fucking wobbly, god"

"Well if you hadn't disturbed me while I was busy inventing triangles" but god realised his own importance and thus he sent a big piece of string to stop the ladders from collapsing.

Jacob marvelled at the glory and started marching up and down the stepladders singing to himself

#Now I'm tall, and now I'm small#

which started to piss god off as he was busy trying to finish the triangle connumdrum. God called the nearest free angel, who was named Kevin the Cocky Angel. God sent Kevin to show Jacob the decorator how the ladder was to be used.

Kevin the angel arrived and said to Jacob "Watch this, it's not really very difficult" and proceeded to march up the ladder in a very confident fashion, but when he got to step number 70 he was being a bit too cocky and as he turned to brag to Jacob he fell off and muttered "Fucking hell, they're a bit wobbly" as he tumbled to the floor.

But Jacob had figured it out by now and he said "I shall call you Bethel" which is hebrew for something and he picked up his paintbrush and went to finish the decorating before god decided to turn him into crackers or something equally brittle.

What's That Sporty?

So many expressions in English derive from sporting references that anyone who was not English might have a little trouble in undestanding. In fact the references are not all English (twatty cuntry) but some are Merkan (rrrrrrrr).

For example:-

'Coming on the blind side' actually comes from rugby and has fuck all to do with Ray Charles at all.

'Ooo, he got googled' originated in cricket not some very nice, dead clever search engine.

'Back to square 1' started as football was invented before TV, so they gave a map to all radio listeners describing where on the pitch anyone was - apart from the ball.

'It's a rim shot' began as a harmless enough basketball term but now is synoymous with hoops of a different variety.

'It's out of here' is associated with baseball, I think, and has nothing to do with giving birth but, does have something to do with parks.

I'm sure there are many more - suggest away......

dare you ;-)