martes, julio 24, 2007

Cain and Abel - Brothers in Arms

So being really bored as god was, he made two brothers called Cain and Abel. He told Cain to go and plant stuff and Abel to look after the woolly things in the field. But Abel was scared and didn't want to go so god had to explain that sheep weren't really that scary at all. Thus god invented the first recipe book and gave it to Abel who stared in wonder.

"Cool" said Abel "Looking in wonder at the pictures" - "What's that?" he asked god.

"That's called a kebab" , answered god "and they're bloody tasty".

Off Cain and Abel wandered to take up their new roles with the message from god ringing in their ears - Don't forget it is my birthday next week, so I'll be expecting presents.

A week later, Cain presented his presents to god "So, I call that one a turnip and that one a potato" he announced. God just looked at the turnip and the potato and then to Abel.

Abel, had killed the juiciest lamb and uncovered a tray with various dishes on it :- "So", said Abel "That's Lamb korma, those are some of the kebabs you showed me, I call this one Shepherds pie (but don't tell Cain I had to nick some of his potatoes to make it) and these are lamb cutlets with a delicate rosemary dressing".

"Wow" boomed god "Nice work little dude"

"Bastard" muttered Cain under his breath. Except of course, god could hear him so god gave him a bollocking and told him to avoid jealousy.

After they had left god's abode, Cain suggested they go into the fields and look for some even better presents for god. While they were there, Cain attacked and killed Abel but god didn't notice because he was really enjoying the food that Abel had made.

When god had finished his food, he did that appearing out of nowhere thing and stood behind Cain and said "Where is your brother?"

"Er, I think he went that way to shag a sheep or something" replied Cain.

God put on his CSI (Crime Scene Investigation) outfit and made some pithy comment to the biblical camera that was doing a documentary on him.

"You killed your brother" announced god "and for that you will be accursed"

"Oh fuck" said Cain "I don't know what that is but I'm guessing it's not good". Cain's guess was right, it was not good. He had to wander the earth with a mark on his head saying that no-one could kill him and he never appeared in the documentary again.

Meanwhile, god was busy fucking about again and so Eve had another son called Seth, and the documentary followed him instead.

*Moral to the story, don't give turnips to god for presents, he doesn't like them - that's why they taste shit*

7 comentarios:

Gorilla Bananas dijo...

So Abel could please God, but Cain wasn't Abel. Stick that pun in the text if you want, there's no charge.

john.g. dijo...

LMAO! What about the chilli sauce?

SpanishGoth dijo...

GB -> LOL - very good sir

JG -> Damn, knew I'd forgotten one recipe

Brom dijo...

Ohh I get it, he plants stuff like potatoes and things, this runs in the family, and some time later a distant Scottish relative invents the worlds first oven chip.

McCain's were the first I'm sure.

Rebecca dijo...

I've missed you!!!

zoe dijo...

i bet seth had a lisp. all kids with names like that have lisps. it's a cruel fact.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Brom -> you dozy bastard, french fries were invented by the Belgians - they just didn't stand up for their fries

Becca -> How are you honey? Missed you

Zoe -> What's a fucking crap? oh shit, cruel fact?