sábado, julio 28, 2007

CSI - Bruxelles


*Background*
Crime Scene Investigation, for those of you uninitiated is a TV programme based on the investigations of the CSI team. A dead body turns up in a bizarre situation and the team use their forensic knowledge to find out what happened, how it happened etc.

All major cities have one, first was CSI Las Vegas, with resident bug expert Grisholm. Then came CSI Miami with Horatio whose expertise is in delivering flippant comments like "Looks like he ran into a dead end" and finally, CSI New York, with Mack, the ex-marine who is an expert with every weapon on the planet. Now it's the turn of the capital of Europe......


*Some funky Who track - My Generation plays in the intro*

A dead body has been found on Place Jourdan, with two french fries pierced through each eye. Cue the CSI-Bruxelles team led by their boss, international crap accent expert, Dick Van Dyke. The lead detective turns to Dick and says "I can't see, Dick, it makes no sense". Dick removes his sunglasses and turns to the camera and says "It looks straight cut to me".

He turns to his team and says, "Let's tag it and bag it people, we've got a murder to solve - and get that mayonnaise to trace, The clock is ticking".

The coroner, Jean Claude Van Dammit, zips up the body in one of those handy black bags that's just the right size for a body. "I'm guessing time of death was when he stopped breathing but I can tell you this Dick, he didn't see what was coming - otherwise he would have ducked."

"Hmm" says Dick, thoughfully, "I hope we're not dealing with Frite-rists, just what we don't need, well not on my watch anyway".

*Cut to post mortem*

"Dick" says JC "He died of acute blunt potato trauma, and that fucking salt didn't help either. But I did find this small packet of ketchup which we may be able to get a fingerprint from. If not, I'll just throw it in the drawer with the others".

*Dicks phone rings*

"Speak" says Dick. He nods sagely and then says to JC "Keep me in the hoop JC"

"That'll be LOOP Dick" JC gently corrects Dick.

"Whatever, keep me in that too - another body has just been found and I think they may be connected"

"But how can you know that Dick?" asks a clearly amazed JC.

"Because I followed this piece of string from the dead man's toe, and there was another body at the end of it"

*Both men look seroiusly into the camera as it cuts to the advert break*

9 comentarios:

Ani dijo...

"He died of acute blunt potato trauma, and that fucking salt didn't help either."

That has got to be one of the best lines ever written (and I don't even like CSI. Yes, with apologies, Goth.)

The Aunt dijo...

Oooh oooh place Jourdan? That's where Troubled Water happened. It's all linked into illegal pollution of European rivers, I'm sure.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Ani -> well, as they say, when the chips are down

Aunty -> sounds a bit Boney M - by the rivers of Cyanide etc

zoe dijo...

"I'm guessing time of death was when he stopped breathing but I can tell you this Dick, he didn't see what was coming - otherwise he would have ducked."

JC VD would have said something exactly along those lines - i'm sure of it - except had it been him, he wouldn't even have ducked.

Stacie dijo...

Sometimes I'm not quite sure what to think when I read your posts, but I enjoy reading them just the same, and I love CSI, but I never remember to watch.
Stacie

PI dijo...

I do hope Dick's Belgian accent is better than his cockerney one.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Zed -> JC would have said something just as stupid - and he's still shorter than me

Stacie -> You don't have to think when reading my shite - in fact it's probably safer not to

Pat -> Well recognised - Diagnosis Dreadful Accent

Mr. X dijo...

Oh cynical, cynical ;)

SpanishGoth dijo...

Mr X -> cynical me? Noooo