lunes, julio 16, 2007

Sodom All and Go Tomorrow

So, there was this city called Sodom, where nobody cared what they did. They just kind of did what they wanted and if anyone questioned it the people said "Sod Off" or "Sodom all". Sometimes, they even said "Up your arse mate" which was unfortunate as the poeple weren't very educated and took it literally, which is where the word sodomy comes from. I know this because Genesis told me, back when Peter Gabriel the Arch Angel was still in charge.

Anyhoot, this city was by Jordan, which makes sense because she's a stupid tart also. And, there were a lot of people who lived there and one of them was called Lot - which is a bit of a silly name beacause if someone shouted "Oy you lot, over here" and a crowd ran over, he would think loads of people had the same name. But he'd be wrong see, because there is or was only one Lot and he had a number, 42 - that was his lot number.

While Lot was busy inventing new games like the Lot-terry, god was busy cursing the fact that the city was so rancid and not as he'd designed it at all. People were having sex and everything and that wasn't part of god's plan at all - I mean he'd given people reproductive organs to have sex and now they couldn't even find the right hole. In fact, they even invented the Sodomite sandwich, which really annoyed god as he hadn't invented Marmite yet.

Thus god decided to do something about it and he got his best angels, Chas and Dave, to go and find 50 decent people in the city. So, the angels disguised themselves as a pair of cockney twits with matching hats and beards and arrived in the city with a piano, as you do. Unfortunately, as no one knew what the fuck they were talking about, no one came to their gig, apart from Lot, who was working behind the bar that night so he had to be there.

Chas and Dave returned and god asked if they'd found 50 decent people and they said "No, but we know a song about a man who was a dustman".

God slapped his head and said "For fucks sake, go back and find 40 then". So off went Chas and Dave again but when they returned all they could say was that they now knew a song about rabbits.

Backwards and forwards this went on until god was getting really bored and decided to destroy the city. Chas and Dave scampered off to find Lot and tell him to "run away, run away" - a bit like teletubbies (which god had invented but he didn't think anyone would understand yet). The angels liked Lot as it was easy to rhyme things with Lot and they weren't very good songwriters at all. It also helped that he gave them free beer.

"Just don't look back" said the angels "as god's planning on using one of those nuclear bombs he just invented, and although the mushroom looks really fabtastic, without 7 million factor suncream and some shit hot sunglasses - you're toast mate".

Lot thought about this, well he appeared to be thinking about it but he was actually translating it into an intelligeable language. The run away bit sounded interesting though as he was fed up with being touched up in the street, so he found the only camel that hadn't been bummed and made a swift escape.

The angels, Chas and Dave looked as the dust cloud disappeared over the horizon and were happy and so made up a new song...

"Our Lot's done a runner, he's on a camels back,
He is so really lucky, his bum will stay intact,
Lots bot is a safe one, we made sure of that,
We traded is his tea towel and now he's got a hat......"

At which point god sent a thunderbolt of lightning and turned them into cockney toast.

21 comentarios:

gddik dijo...

Um, thanks for the story, SG - that explains a Lot.

zoe dijo...

are you sure that's the way the story goes ?

SpanishGoth dijo...

Gddik ->very good LOL

Zoe -> it is in the Gothic version of the bible...

The Aunt dijo...

Good usage.

Can we have King David and Potiphar's wife please?

Stacie dijo...

What on earth is Marmite?? This is the second time in two days I've heard of this. We don't have that here in the states (I don't think) and all I know about it is that if you tap it long enough with a spoon it will turn white. Why? I have no idea.
As for the rest of this post..I'm going to need some time to process it and think on it. Perhaps some JD would help me with that?

SpanishGoth dijo...

Aunty M -> tx - King David next it is

Stacie -> Marmite is kind of like a vegetable spread that's very sticky and tastes sort of like beef... isdh

PI dijo...

I felt 'My old man's a dust man' in that last lyric - quite strongly.

Brom dijo...

I needed a good laugh this evening, cheers mate.

"What is Marmite"?? - Bloody foreigners! ;-)

And what's all this about tapping it with a spoon to make it turn white??? I thought everyone knew you had to use a knife.

*Goes off to tap some marmite*

SpanishGoth dijo...

Pat -> wondered who'd pick up the rhythym of the lyrics first

Brom -> No worries mate. I've never seen marmite turn white either, unless you spray it with gloss paint - even the mould is green

gddik dijo...

Ah yes, "My mate Marmite" or so the old Marmite ad went, as I recall.

It's the one product I know that not only acknowledges the fact that you either love the stuff passionately or hate it venomously, but actually used this in its advertising.

Rare honesty indeed.

I'm in the former camp, myself, but completely understand why people would detest it.

Brom dijo...

I've done it!!!! Results over at Bromland

SpanishGoth dijo...

GDDIK -> I remember the ad campaign indeed - interesting that it's made as a by product of beer :)

Brom -> Seen it, commented dude and I'm still not taking the rap for the plate....

The Wrath of Dawn dijo...


Excellent. I liked it. A lot.

Stacie dijo...

isdh?? (in your reply to my comment) what does that mean? And how long until you get sick of my questions and having to explain things to that ditzy girl from the states? (that's me)


SpanishGoth dijo...

Wrath -> Welcome, and thank you. You should check out the new Goth Bible....

Stacie -> Ooops, that'll be a 'typo' then, should have been 'ish

and I never tire of explaining things to you, like, left a little, down a little mmmmmmmm

Stacie dijo...

aahhhh well then....hopefully you take direction equally as well as you give it...


SpanishGoth dijo...

Depends on the honey-pot at the end of the rainbow

Anónimo dijo...

Sodome is not in jordan!

But in france! this place has for name these days "the wood of Boulogne"

And the archangel Gabriel "nicolas sarkozy" former minister of the interior, that did to curl this infested wood of sodomites!

These sodomites cultivated the harbre to rubber, that it decorated small latex pockets (called comunément "preservative") with the intention of to attract the fisherman!?

But I accept all the versions

SpanishGoth dijo...

Dip=Dop -> Your comment has fuck all to do with my story but
interior to woodworm I agree (think in French, it makes more sense, my friend)

as for the condoms, they were originally wooden buckets... or thimbles of love, but that's another story

Anónimo dijo...

Therefore I am not credible ??? You me under regard ?

The ruins Sodome and Gomorrhe were discovered to the southeast of the Dead Sea. One thinks that their current names are Bab edh-dhra for the former Sodome, Numeira for Gomorrhe(Genèse 19: 24).

All is transposable!

The history of the wood of boulogne, could have situated itself to Pigalle!!

Or well avenue Louise in Brussels?

On wall paints of old egypt, one finds a kind of primitive condom in the form of a linen sachet. The Japanese also would have employed a
sort of condom in scales of tortoises or in leather. The Roman ones preferred it made from vessies or of intestines of animals. From
the 16th century, one finds made condoms in silk fibers or of linen, in vessie or in fish intestines, of sheep or of goat. They were
used several times and provide with a small ribbon to be able to close them.

In 1665 two English, the Dr Conton and the Colonel Condum créerent the first preservatives with lamb tube dried!!

vast subject for a very small latex thing !

SpanishGoth dijo...

Dip-Dop -> Pardonnes moi mon ami. I didn't realise condoms were that interesting - I use them as water bombs to throw at people.....