domingo, julio 22, 2007

A Problem With Authority

Ooops, Goth fucked up again.

People tell Goth their problems - again. Which is ok, as Goth does that listening thing really well - apart from sounds that Goth does not like. Because Goth is trying to fucking sleep.

Alarms, that Goth didn't set, waking Goth up in the middle of the night are not good - in fact, they're bloody irritating. There are a lot of bad things which shouldn't affect Goth ... but they just do, like ....

#WOUT, WOUT, WOUT#

What the fuck is that?

#WOUT, WOUT, WOUT#

Goth reacts and thus becomes angry. Probably not the wisest move ever - but Goth isn't feeling particularly wise.

#WOUT, WOUT, WOUT#

So as the alarm is going off - Goth tries to ignore it - but Goth can't - Goth has to react, somehow.

It might be someone truly in distress, or anything. Goth can't just sit there - he must become a super... something or other.

Thus, having no guns, Goth picks a 7-iron from the set of Goth Clubs he has never used, ever. He wished he had a gun, again or something but realises that guns are for amateurs.

"Pick up the biggest and hardest thing you can" - says his ego, or ID or brain or macho bullshit. But, the artistic side of Goth says "No, not a driver - show some finesse".

Goth hates golf but Goth likes the hard metal that is a golf club. 'Ha, this shit will work' - he thinks.

Goth walks out into the street with a club intending to smash the windows of whatever car is making the noise or, destroy the nose of whoever is....

#WOUT, WOUT, WOUT#

Except, the situation is not as Goth thought. The police are there, but they have guns - and an iron golf club doesn't really work as a foil or shield against a 9mm Glock.

#WOUT, WOUT, WOUT#

(Laying the golf club on the ground) Goth says - "Sorry, officer, I was just really angry at this shit noise and....." (realising the stupid situation he's in, Goth shuts the fuck up)

"Step away from the club, son"

"But I'm older than you" - says Goth trying to appear big and clever until his phone rings again. Goth reaches for his side holster to answer the phone therein.

"Put it down, Sir" - *pulling out gun*

"No, Dickhead - it's a phone and.... (realising he's in deeper shit than he thought and trying to improvise) she wants to talk to you" - Goth says, passing the mobile phone across to the slightly bewildered police person.

*Confused cop with gun* "Bonsoir? Vous habitez le quartier ?" blah, blah, blah
- all in French

Goth stands there, hands still in the air whilst the policeman finishes his conversation, puts his gun away and hands back the Goth Phone.

Thus, Goth is still alive, has a full set of golf clubs and has not been shot.
Hooray for mobile phones - and Goth still hasen't twatted anyone with these golf clubs.

Stupid bloody things...

21 comentarios:

zoe dijo...

well, what else would i have expected from you. saved by the girlfriend again.

BWAHAHAHA.

Stacie dijo...

I almost took up golf this summer just to have *something* in common with my husband that we could do together. In the end, we decided that hiking would be our common interest, and I just go along to the golf place to photograph things. Whew!! THAT was a close one eh? If I were to start swinging clubs in the vicinity of men, no telling which balls I'd hit!
Stacie

SpanishGoth dijo...

Zed -> but you can't see straight

Stacie -> Goth didn't want to play golf - fucking wankers in silly outfits

jungle jane dijo...

A goth who owns golf clubs?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

kimmyk dijo...

Man I would hate to be twatted.

That would really suck.

SpanishGoth dijo...

JJ -> ah, but you want to see what I use them for - and it's not fucking golf

Kimmy -> 'twatted' can be good - I think

Daphne Wayne-Bough dijo...

Well if you will live next door to the Israeli Ambassador what do you expect. I'm glad to hear the constabulary are so efficient in our leafy suburb.

Brom dijo...

Wout?? Is that the Belgian for ring then?

Drama Queen dijo...

Glad you weren't shot.

Honey dijo...

ah so you wrote the text message?! I was wondering did not recognise the number. Eliab has my phone but he'll pass on messages I asked him to leave a message on yours for me about visiting but I guess it's a bit late for all that. Shame would have been nice to see you and Mariposa.
Glad you were not shot also.

PI dijo...

I don't like golf either but enjoy watching 'The Championship'. This year it was truly exciting, but sad to see Tiger falter.

Mr. X dijo...

We hope the clubs were in a stylish black lacquer to fit the image properly.

Personally we favour a nice solid baseball bat. Stupid sport, but at least the equipment is handy on occasions.

You Sick Bastard! dijo...

If I'm awaken during the night then that person at the door would get the best greeting a Sick Fucking Bastard can give.

Perhaps I should invest in golf clubs. When people come by and ask when I golf, I'll just tell them I don't, I use them to hit people.

phoenix dijo...

police,guns,golf clubs eek! and the one thing to stop it all -a mobile phone. Is this the modern equivelant of the power of words over violence?

Lever dijo...

I thought Goths were supposed to be all emaciated and skinnier than golf clubs; I'm surprised you found the strength to raise a 7 iron...

bananas62 dijo...

I don't know how you always seem to find yourself in these situations! It's probably a good thing you don't own a gun!!!


*smiles at the thought of the goth on the fairway...I said only a thought!***

Stacie dijo...

when you go a whole day without posting, I get all nervous like. I'm not stalking you, I promise, I just think you are such a fascinating Goth and I kind of have a bit of an internet crush on you. No really, I'm not stalking, I promise..I'm happily married....really I am...and well..dang it all, I just really like reading your posts is all. Am I creeping you out? Damn, I am huh? Ok..I'm going now...

SpanishGoth dijo...

Daphne -> So, that's what caused it - a mid-east crisis round the corner

Brom -> French way of spelling alarm tone

DQ -> So amd I - I'd look stupid with holes in

Honey -> No I didn't get the message but will re-arrange soon

Pi -> Not so keen on watching it but at least I can wear all black

Mr X -> Got one of those to but it was for smashing the car window

YSB -> Shit works for me

Phoenix -> Well it seemed better than getting shot

Lever -> not emaciated and strong enough to hit 250 meters with an iron

Bananas -> It does happen - just like a walk in the country whilst searching for a ball

Stacie -> wasn't feeling too good - will be one up later today XX

Peach dijo...

that's hilarious - no cop in london would take a call like that... I'd have been shot

Laura dijo...

Are you always trying to get shot. Maybe you should move to DC where the odds are higher

SpanishGoth dijo...

Peach -> That's why I don't live in London

Laura -> I'm not always trying to get shot - I think the lack of respect for authority might be the root cause