jueves, julio 05, 2007

My Own Worst Enemy

I never worried about bullies - pea-brained numbskulls. I don't mean that I didn't do anything about them, I just out-thought them. Not hard to do really.

I don't worry about going to strange cities or meeting weird people - I can deal with all that shit.

Never really cared for authority in any shape or form - poke me with your self aggrandising bullshit and I'll kick you in the bollocks.

There are things that I do worry about. I worry about friends and family (particularly the mini-Goths) - except when I'm there as I can wrap them in my Gothic cloak and protect them.

The one thing I can't protect against is myself and my self-destructive nature. It's not because I hate myself as I don't although I can cry myself to sleep like anyone. I might appear sure, confident and spiky but that's just a mask.

I would never take out my anger on someone else, it's happened a couple of times and I have never really forgiven myself. Thus I take it out on myself - I just carry on cutting my life into pieces looking for the reason to believe.

Therefore, if it seems like I am spiralling, I probably am.

I know someone so intelligent should have the answers but I don't. It's not because I haven't looked for them - I just can't find them .

Somewhere, in the darkness, hides a small child I think. But he can't come out to play as the Goth is here now and I can't save me from myself.

Like I said - I'm my own worst enemy.

19 comentarios:

Brom dijo...

In some respects very familiar words. You are not alone mate.

Hill dijo...

I think I just might really like Goth the child

I know I certainly like Goth the man.


Anónimo dijo...


human animality = the social economy,
the thought = the science,
the revolt (even towards oneself) = liberty

Podemos vivir sin riqueza Casi sin los cinco céntimos De Los señores y de las princesas lo tiene Allí más Pero vivir mucho sin ternura no lo podría No, no, no !
No no lo podríamos

SpanishGoth dijo...

Brom -> aye, too familiar

Hill -> liking me is Goth, but you are in the minority

Dip-Dop -> Putain!!!!!!

zoe dijo...

goth and brom - i'm in the same boat too. just never forget that you're not alone, which is so, so easily done.

PI dijo...

Sometimes it's better to leave all the tortuous self-doubt and questioning and get on with something mechanical and productive that doesn't require deep thought. Ironing does it for me.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Z -> I know, we're all in the same Canoe Reeves

Pat -> LOL - Goths don't do ironing. Don't you do the 'scrunch' test when buying clothes?? (ha, that'll get you thinking)

phoenix dijo...

We all have the doubts and self torture Goth and we all have the hiding child. sometimes though we have to step back and look at what we have that's really truly important to us and just say piss off to the other stuff that gets in the way. Life doesn't have to be as hard as we make it for ourselves x

Tippler dijo...

I employ the cider method, at times such as these.

You won't find the answers at the bottom of a glass - but if you drink more than six you'll sure as hell forget the question...

A temporary 'solution' but, then, isn't everything?

Cream dijo...

The minute you realise your self-destructivity, you're on the way out.
How long the healing will take depends on where you want to be...

Anónimo dijo...

Heu ! did I say a damned stupidity ??
Who can think his wound is at healed half !
Avec amitié

Stacie dijo...

You have no idea how well I can relate to this post.
Chin up Bub!

The Aunt dijo...

The nice thing about bullies is that they never ever enter libraries. Work this small thing out, and you are guaranteed an excellent education with minimal head-flushing.

I still use study as a means of escape. I know what Scouse Doris says about swots, but it's been the most effective and least harmful form of self-flagellation I have found so far.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Phoenix -> its not about torture, it's about trust

Tipp -> solutions are as temporary as you make them

Cream -> wasn't planning on exitting right now

Dip-dop -> merci, et stupid is as stupid does

Stacie -> wrong. I do actually

Aunty M -> I had to chase a rapist from a library once. Would have been funny as fuck if it wasn't so serious an occassion

Ariel dijo...

Erm, you and me both. Self-sabotage is my specialty.

Anónimo dijo...

I wish you a good tres week end sunny

SpanishGoth dijo...

Gadzooks - Ariel, I am so happy to see you comment my love. Don't sabotage yourself - let's go down together

Dip-Dop -> et toi aussi mon ami

Saffyre dijo...

You know i'm failry sure that wasn't meant to be funny, but damn you have an excellent style for writing :)

SpanishGoth dijo...

Saffyre -> Within humour always lies the truth somewhere - glad to make you smile though :)