miércoles, julio 11, 2007

Guest Post by Trainee Gothess

Todays Guest Posting, from a friend who I hadn't considered Gothic - until now.

*sits down, lights a cigarette, pours some Jack Daniels and waits to give her a hug afterwards*

I will be Guest Goth. My cheery exterior is covered by a very dark and maudlin human with far too many feelings. Since I told Goth I would one day write something and yesterday was absolutely the gothiest I have to offer as of present, I will tell the tale.

It started out like any other desperate day to get money. I clean my best friend's apartment to make it through the week. Ouch already. My profession is a respected one but consists of never doing what you were trained to to do or have the talent for in the first place but dealing constantly with people who like to blame all their emotional problems on you, paperwork and government jabber and bullshit.

Then I got the phone call.

I have two friends very deep in to the S&M scene. They don't know each other, and I don't tend to talk about it unless they volunteer the information. As I have enough pain inside I don't feel the need to inflict it on my outside and am a bit of a fluffy bunny when it comes to wanting to hurt others, so anyway, I don't get it.

One of these lovely young ladies has been having an affair with some semi-famous highly respected big wig in London. He flies her all over the continent to S&M hot-spots to do, well, to make her submit. She has been doing this for years. She woke up a few months ago (ironically same story with the second friend) and realized that she couldn't have love and S&M (I didn't ask, still don't get it) but had to chose between her chosen lifestyle and her desire to be loved.

She didn't decided soon enough. Yesterday she died during a session. No one's fault, just the risk factor.

Afterwards I go to see Goth in a bar. I down a few pints talk about evil people. I am feeling, very obvious to Goth, a bit edgy (sorry, dear).

My day continues with the love of my life. It is going quite well despite me feeling extremely disappointed in my work, my life, my love history and now in mourning.

See, I had given up not so long ago on love. I just thought I needed too much, or it wasn't in my cards, and I have no little goths to share that kind of love with. Then I met this L.O.M.L.

I still live with my ex. Shit, I know. Horrible for the LOML I know, shitty I know.....strangled by need of cash I am stuck.

Next week was to be a week the LOML and I were to spend together. All week. Every morning. Every day. I was so happy.

Long story short, one of his friends thinks I am shit. I don't really know why. I know what he says, but I really liked him at one point.

Anyway LOML started telling me what this guy had said, feeling totally hurt and like my skin had been taken off with sandpaper he started telling me I was manipulative and this friend of his said their relationship had deteriorated since me. I left. Completely hurt, totally confused and carrying death on my shoulders.

I went home to someone who doesn't love me.

During a text war of sorts I run out of credits. LOML calls to tell me to f%% off and he is deleting my number. Heartbreak.

I go to the corner of my bathroom and curl up in the corner and cry. I mean the can't stop kind. The kind where your face burns and your head aches and it just won't end.

A small spider climbs up on me and in my fury I bat him off and crush his little body on a black tile. Shocked by my own action and out and out speed I examine the situation and feel immediate guilt. The arms are sticking out from the crushed center frail and ghostly transparent. I wished I had eight arms to hold me.

I wished I hadn't killed him. He had been the only one touching me and I punished him.

I scooped up his sculpture of legs on an envelope and took him to my olive tree and buried him in the earth of the pot. I told the remains that there were things in this life you couldn't take back and now have to live with.

I returned to the bathroom wrapped myself in a white towel as I thought I might need it to absorb all my tears. I dreamed of the love of my life, and money and death and awoke the same way I had fallen asleep, in tears.

I got up and pushed at the earth in the pot hoping it might make the nest of tiny arms more comfortable.

*Offers a drink and a shoulder to cry on*

20 comentarios:

Cream dijo...

And you thought your life was shitty, Goth!
Trainee Gothess,thanks for reminding me of M&S... They do great sandwiches.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Cream -> I never said my life was shitty, I just expand somewhat on certain aspects.

However, if I have the opportunity to help someone, I take it

Stacie dijo...

I will hug you Gothess in training!

I am sorry for your loss.


Honey dijo...

I hope you are alright Gothess in training, and you take the time to grieve over your friend.

Drama Queen dijo...

Hey Gothess. .I am pretty sure I know who you are. Touching post. Give yourself time to heal love. You have lots of people around you and I include myself if you'll have me. XX

Mr. X dijo...

Gothess, life, as they say, is sometimes a bowl of rotting fecal matter.

But you are still here, and existence goes on, even if it takes time to seal over the wounds - we know how it is.

Good luck.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Stacie -> I'm sure she will appreciate that

Honey -> I hope so too - it helps to talk though

DQ -> Not sure that you do know her but I'm sure she will be touched by your words

PI dijo...

LOML's have to be worth it don't they? This one sounds a pathetic creep - to put it quite mildly.

Drama Queen dijo...

Aw well. Thinking of someone else then. . .it was the living with the BF thing that steered me the wrong way. Give your friend a hug.

Princess of the Universe dijo...

My condolences and best wishes to the Gothess.
Has she considered starting her own blog? She might get a lot out of it...

SpanishGoth dijo...

Pat -> Not really for me to comment on his behaviour

DQ -> I didn't steer, you walked the path yourself (which is why you became strong in the first place my love)

Princess -> I will pass your messages on. I believe she did start thinking about a blog but finances did not allow - hence why I said she could open her heart on mine (and I would not change a word)

jungle jane dijo...

*offers trainee Goth her own spider*

Gothess in Training dijo...

DQ, yes, and very welcome. (and note, the stuff I say to you know who is all a gag just being in character)
And you are all lovely for your comments.
(IS Gothess in training GIT?)
And JJ, thanks.

The Aunt dijo...

What a horrific story.

Big, big hugs. And a large gin and tonic. And a shoulder. With a large white fluffy towel on it.

SpanishGoth dijo...

JJ -> Cool, you just became spiderwoman...

TG -> My version was Trainee Goth, not Gothess in Training

Aunty M -> Your shoulders are big enough to carry gin and tonics on - how fucking cool is that?

TG dijo...

I will take you up on that G&T for the TG. But no more of those Bloody Mary's.

SpanishGoth dijo...

TG -> Ice and lemon?

Honey dijo...

"finances did not allow"
not to be picky, but blogs are free.. I have to say Gothess in training approached me earlier with a different post and I'm afraid I offered to help her set up har own blog as I know both 'her and him'in the story and did not want to take sides... If you can comment sweetheart, you can write your own blog, no offence.. but it seems fairer?
from the rather less sweet honey who is in a grump today

The Aunt dijo...

Spanish Goth - what's a gin and tonic when you carry the world on your shoulders?

(Not actually true but we all like to think of ourselves as indispensable now and then).

SpanishGoth dijo...

Honey -> I don't want to get involved in who is right or wrong - there are always two sides to every story. I often have guest bloggers and the only caveat is that it has to be Gothic (which this seemed to be). Sorry you're feeling grumpy :(

Aunty M -> What's a G & T - a bloody good idea my love