domingo, julio 08, 2007

I am a Person

Seeing as you seem intelligent enough to understand, let me tell you something. I am a person. One who has feelings and emotions and I am sick to fucking death of being treated as only a provider of money. This may seem like a minor issue but to me it is a major issue. "But, you're not rich" you might say. Indeed, but I have earned over 100 grand a year and what do I have to show for it? Fuck all.

I set out to be a creative, inspiring individual but all people could see was what I could provide them with. Unfortunately, this had nothing to do with comfort of the soul - it was security, financial security. So I worked my arse off doing things I hated doing. I cut my hair short, which I didn't want to. I wore a suit which I hate as I feel like i'm being hung. I slept in my car, which in winter is not fucking fun at all. I travelled to places I didn't want to, on my own - always on my own. I seem to have spent so much time sleeping on my own, in strange places, it's depressing.

Then, when I had got the things that those people wanted, and maybe I could relax and just enjoy being - the shit gets taken away, again. So once more, I have to start from zero. Once more, the hair gets cut off and I have to prostitute myself again.

Every time I invest emotionally in anything, it all comes down to one thing - money. I'm fucking sick of it. I just want to have shit loads of money and give it away to the people who are asking and then I could say "Right, you've got what you wanted - now fuck off and leave me alone, forever".

There are things that I want to say but I never tell people. What's the fucking point, it's not like I matter unless I have money right? "Ooo you're so selfish" people say - why? Because I drink and smoke? Bollocks. If you spent as much time feeling as miserable as I did you'd have to do something.

"But people love you and they care for you", they say. Well, they've got a very selective way of showing it. They love me when I'm buying things or paying for things. They love me when they can go shopping and not worry about it. They never actually ask what I might want. Even if they do, it is fleeting and I can see that it is a rhetorical question. They don't actually want an answer and thus, I never tell them.

I discussed this with the psychotherapist when I went to see her - I opened up briefly and guess what? I fucking spoiled her day. She couldn't rationalise how I felt because I had the answers to every question she could ask. I'd already thought them through but everything looked black.

So what do I do? I listen to everyone elses problems and offer considered advice. I've heard so many stories of abuse, rape, bullying and other such nasty behaviour that it has tainted my very soul. But, all the time I try to be strong and profer the best advice I can at the time. No-one ever asks why I'm sad. Nobody ever asks how I feel, or why I behave the way that I do. They make huge leaps of assumption which are so far away from the mark that it's almost laughable.

Turn to religion some have suggested. Why? So I can listen to more bullshit and then give money at the end. I don't ask for much, in fact I don't ask for anything - a mistake maybe. But what's the point, I wouldn't fucking get shit anyway, unless I paid for it.

Well, at least there will be plenty of money when I'm dead - that's the beauty of life insurance (and I have to pay for that bastard too).

24 comentarios:

Princess of the Universe dijo...

I've had the same problem with therapists - they don't do very well with intelligent, introspective people.

People suggested that you turn to religion? Have they never spoken to/met you before?

*BIG HUGS* Goth. I've never even met you, but I absolutely adore you and wish you all kinds of happiness.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Princess -> Thanks (sincerely) - as for therapists, they only try to do their job I guess. At least she didn't say grow up and get over it...

Chopski dijo...

I know this sound really obvious but why bother? Do something you want to do for a change and the people who 'love you and care for you' can, love and care for YOU!
Money isn't everything! I've got fuck all so I should know. It doesn't seem to be making you happy!
Sounds like Goth should be thinking about Goth for a while!

I'm with the princess, I've never met you but I like you and hope everything turns out the way you want!!

Honey dijo...

Hey Goth. A deep breath and a big hug. I don't ask people how they are because usually it's in a social situation and I can't stand the "I'm fine" answer.
I've 'met' with about 5 psychiatrists in my life, 10 psycologists and a few therapists. Only two ever got me, the rest were nuts.Completly. One even broke down in my session to tell me how she was raped as a child.
There are so many miserable sad lonely people out there. It is a hard world. But there is a lot of good in it too.
The sun is shining today. Fot me that is a start. But you ever want a real chat. You know where to find me.

zoe dijo...

i said enough yesterday. big hugs, sweetie.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Chopski -> because I do bother and I know you have that feeling too but thanks for the support - it is appreciated

Honey -> generally I don't ask because I get told... everything. Have fun with the kids in the sun today (and thanks for the hugs)

Zed -> I'm sorry we didn't catch a beer yesterday. I'm shit at catching. But we will do the bike thing - got to pick the fuckers up Monday

Cream dijo...

Since you've assumed that we, who read your blog are intelligent, may I say that, in my case, your assumptions are way off mark...
Because I am a genius! Well, I believe therefore I am!
And that's what you need to start doing instead of secreting more bile.

Believe you're Number One, Goth, think and act like Number One and then everything else will fall into place.
This is not selfishness!
This is bloody survival!
Because if you don't look after Number One properly you won't be able to look after anything else.

Just think of the flutter of butterfly wings...

SpanishGoth dijo...

Cream -> conrats on the most intelligent response to date, or should that read today?

Officially, according to the wankers at MENSA, I am a genius too. Perhaps we should have a party - you do the food, I'll sort out the alcohol - see, genius at work.... or not, as the case may be pending

SpanishGoth dijo...

BOLLOCKS - I can't even abbreviate 'congratulations'

Should have read Congrats not Conrats.

I mean, who would be stupid enough to have a convict who was a rat?

That's just bloody stupid.

kimmyk dijo...

Hi my Gothy Friend. I don't know what is happening in your part of the world, but I just want you to know that I love you and I don't want your money. I love that you share a little piece of your world with us here on the internet and you bring a smile to my face every time I come visit. I don't want anything of you....except maybe a post or two every now and then.


Anónimo dijo...

Bubbly Goth Under your long hair, that the force be with you!! but does blunders to the Philistins, that they do not secure you with seven ropes of fresh arches! there is people that are bald to the inside of the head: this are those that have not the direction of the happiness.

God does not exist. If it existed, since the time that I say horrors, it already striould down me. Or God is a myth, or it is deaf, or this is contempt.

They leave, the sad thoughts, the years widows. As a cork that hangs on, an instant, in the reeds of the river.

I do not ask you this that I guess! But I guess this that your intelligence does not say!

The beauty of friendship this is to know to like without condition in the respect, honesty, confidence, the authenticity , I t offers mine

SpanishGoth dijo...

kimmy -> taken and thanks

Dip-dop -> a friendship offered is not one forgotten

phoenix dijo...

too often people take without remembering that all taking and no giving leads to a vacuous and selfish existence. I'm with cream on this,look after number one. It doesn't make the other people in your life less important to you, but it does make you realise how important it is to take care and empower yourself (i know how bloody cheesy that sounds but bear with me)Since standing up for myself,being honest about how things people do to me make me feel and generally not taking any shit any more,I feel I can cope with anything that's chucked at me. I've also earned the respect of a lot more people on the way who I thought would not be able to cope with the new stronger, blunter me.

isabelle dijo...

why are you sad?
I'd like to know.

Mr Farty dijo...

I don't want your money, honey.


SpanishGoth dijo...

Phoenix -> I am so happy to 'hear' you react that way. You are strong - and cute I believe

Isabelle -> Because I miss the mini-Goths

Mr F -> HA HA - not getting my money as it's in me sporran

Stacie dijo...

Another post you've written in a matter of days that I can completely relate to in every way shape and form. I'd say you have no idea how much I can relate, but I know that you do. Maybe more so than is comfortable for me to admit.
I've only been reading you for a short time. Maybe just over a month, but already, I completely and wholeheartedly adore you. I think you're FAB, and I hope that soon the people in your life realize that as well.
Money doesn't mean jack, and the sooner people realize this the better. I have someone in my life who thinks it's the be all end all and has no idea despite my repeated efforts to make it known that I dont' give a shit about the damn $$ I just want him. Maybe someday he'll wake up and realize that. I hope yours do the same.
When I first read this post yesterday, my first gut response was "will you marry me?" but I didn't want you to think I was being flip. But seriously, I think we're two peas in a pod, (though I'm quite certain you could drink me under the table) Take care of yourself, and know that you are not alone.
Your friend,

Stacie dijo...

Ha! I should have read your response to my last comment first. Since you've abolished weddings, we'll have to live in sin. That's more fun anyway. I promise, I'll not write a book in your comment sections anymore.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Stacie -> Thankyou for your kind words. Living in sin would be cool but I'm not sure Mariposa would approve - she can be somewhat jealous about things like that ;-)

SpanishGoth dijo...

Oooops - nearly forgot. You can write what you want in my comment thingy - I promise never to delete any of them, ever.

I'm liking the idea of sin though :) rrrrrrrrrrr

Stacie dijo...

yeah, you know, your Mariposa and my DH both have something in common then..he get's a little funny about stuff like that too. LOL. No offense meant to Mariposa.:)

SpanishGoth dijo...

No offence created - don't have secrets (she thought your comment was really sweet anyway - and if I want to dream about raunchy sex, I can so there :)

bananas62 dijo...

Goth, You are one of the most kind hearted people I have met on this Blogging adventure! You have a quality about you that more people should have, rather than being a taker, your a giver, unfortunately "takers" blow and are usually in mass quantities! I love you for many reasons... money is certainly not one of them... it can't buy happiness that's for sure! Chin up little buckeroo!!!

SpanishGoth dijo...

Bananas -> Thanks. Misread the end bit and wondered what a fuckeroo was though ;-)