I'm really not sure I want to walk this path but, if I don't....
As far back as I remember, I was scared of you and held my breath if I had to walk in your prescence. You scared the living shit out of me. When Luke got told Darth Vader was his father, it didn't worry me, I was just confused as it meant I had another brother I hadn't been aware of.
You were always too busy, too confused and such a rage of fury waiting to be unleashed that I would never come near you. How could I? I was the awkward child that spilt ketchup on your newly pressed paper, the skinny child that wanted to read books rather than fight. I felt and saw disappointment in your eyes and it buried itself in my soul.
I was the child that didn't want to fight but, even when I did, got 'frog-marched' to the house of my victim to apologise to his parents with my 'parent' not listening to WHY I had knocked his teeth out with one punch.
Everything I did was a failure to you but you never asked why. It's simplistic enough really - take your child on one side and ask 'why are you doing this?'.
Some therapists have questioned why I didn't ask the question myself - 'erm, that will be because I was a child, you idiot'.
I didn't ask why because I didn't want to be chastised again, told I was weak again, shown the power of anger again. I didn't want to feel the strength of a bully, again. Thus, I became strong in the powers of the dark side.
Yes, I can kill stuff for no apparent reason, I can beat the crap out of anyone without asking. I can do a lot of crazy things and avoid all the rules. I am afraid of no-one....ever...
Does all this make me happy? - No, not really.
The saddest part is - the time when you were in anguish and saw life crumbling away, when all the walls of hope came tumbling down, there was one thing that stood tall. One person who stood there next to you, frightened for his very life but, there.
I suppose you choose not to remember this time, which is ok, I guess. It was pretty fucking shitty and I understand, I think.
Like Descartes once said, I think therefore I am.
*rant over - drinks some more whisky and falls off his pulpit*