viernes, julio 27, 2007

Memories of Fatherhood

I'm really not sure I want to walk this path but, if I don't....

As far back as I remember, I was scared of you and held my breath if I had to walk in your prescence. You scared the living shit out of me. When Luke got told Darth Vader was his father, it didn't worry me, I was just confused as it meant I had another brother I hadn't been aware of.

You were always too busy, too confused and such a rage of fury waiting to be unleashed that I would never come near you. How could I? I was the awkward child that spilt ketchup on your newly pressed paper, the skinny child that wanted to read books rather than fight. I felt and saw disappointment in your eyes and it buried itself in my soul.

I was the child that didn't want to fight but, even when I did, got 'frog-marched' to the house of my victim to apologise to his parents with my 'parent' not listening to WHY I had knocked his teeth out with one punch.

Everything I did was a failure to you but you never asked why. It's simplistic enough really - take your child on one side and ask 'why are you doing this?'.

Some therapists have questioned why I didn't ask the question myself - 'erm, that will be because I was a child, you idiot'.

I didn't ask why because I didn't want to be chastised again, told I was weak again, shown the power of anger again. I didn't want to feel the strength of a bully, again. Thus, I became strong in the powers of the dark side.

Yes, I can kill stuff for no apparent reason, I can beat the crap out of anyone without asking. I can do a lot of crazy things and avoid all the rules. I am afraid of no-one....ever...

Does all this make me happy? - No, not really.

The saddest part is - the time when you were in anguish and saw life crumbling away, when all the walls of hope came tumbling down, there was one thing that stood tall. One person who stood there next to you, frightened for his very life but, there.

I suppose you choose not to remember this time, which is ok, I guess. It was pretty fucking shitty and I understand, I think.

Like Descartes once said, I think therefore I am.

*rant over - drinks some more whisky and falls off his pulpit*

9 comentarios:

john.g. dijo...

Scary stuff,Goth!

Stacie dijo...

I'm sorry Goth. disaproving parents suck wads! I can relate to this in a couple of ways though not fully. On the good side though, it taught me what kind of parent I did NOT want to be, and so, it has assured me that I will never become my mother.
I'm willing to wager that this experience helped make you the awsome father you are?
Stacie

Ariel dijo...

Just read your tagline... disposed of? That made me forget what stood below.

SusannahS dijo...

I think Philip Larkin said it best:

They fuck you up, your mom and dad
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-stylen hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can
And don't have any kids yourself

HOWEVER: I DON'T AGREE WITH THE LAST LINE!!! I think the key to ending the cycle lies with us, the self-actualized/realized & therapized(is that a word? It is now!) generation. I think we can and will do better with our kids.

SpanishGoth dijo...

JG -> sorry, didn't mean to scare you

Stacie -> I just conecntrate on not being a cunt

Ariel -> An afterthought, type thingy

Sus -> I hate Larkin - I appreciate his ability but, fucking hell I prefer Chaucer (it's a 'had to do as English thing')

Honey dijo...

it must be the week for slagging off the old ones. I had a good dig at my mum yesterday. That is horrible what you went through with your dad. I'm so sorry.
and since I appear to be quoting Blake this week too, here is your share:
"My mother groaned! my father wept. Into the dangerous world I leapt: Helpless, naked, piping loud, Like a fiend hid in a cloud."

Tippler dijo...

Are we by any chance related?

Meanwhile, I'm pimping my ass here. I'm in the last three of Big Blogger, so please bog off to the link below and give me your vote.

Becausee I'm worth it. Whether me dad thinks so, or not. Mwah!

http://timtim.typepad.com/bigblogger2007/

PI dijo...

I'm old enough for it to be OK but I just want to give you a big hug.
There!xoxox

SpanishGoth dijo...

Honey -> I'm not overly worried, I learned to work around it

Tippler -> related? now you're scaring me

Pat -> Thanks honey, I feel better already