To be a golfing Goth - well, that was the theory anyway. I always hated the sport - hours and hours of televised sky. Why do they get cameramen who were ex anti-aircraft gunners? That, and the stupid clothes. Dressing up like a pimp from Starsky and Hutch. Thanks but no thanks.
But, a few years ago, my not-so-little brother and I were reunited. After a few weeks of meeting up for a beer or two and laughing about what complete tw*ts we were to each other growing up he issued the immortal words - 'Next week, shall we go for a game of golf?'. Once my head had stopped spinning I actually thought about it. Normally, the answer would have been 'I'd rather sew my head to the carpet'. But here was a real opportunity to do something sporting and spiritual.
Actually, that's a lie - my thought process was more like...go to a golf course, make a complete idiot of myself - hmm tough decision, NO!. But, and this was the deciding factor, I'd be with my brother who has a really short temper, is carrying lots of metal sticks and is a policeman (badge and gun included).
What happens if one of those poncy gits says 'Excuse me, do you mind if we play through?'. Oh the ensuing carnage would be marvellous. Thus I agreed.
Unfortunately though, it was completely boring. Not one club swung in anger, hours searching for the balls that had ignored wishes and gone left when they should have gone right. To top it all, I got a better score than he did. Joys of being a virgin on a golf course. So now, I have a lovely set of golf clubs and never play golf.
At least I got to wear black all the time. The club secretary made it halfway toward me to complain that I didn't look the slightest bit like Huggy Bear then caught a glimpse of my brother winding up his 'death to all in my path' thing. Very short non-conversation.
Only reason I relate this story is because I have to weigh up the implications of transporting said golf clubs to my new residence this weekend. Never know when you might need to wrap a 7-iron around someone's head (apparently little bro is more accurate with that one than the 9-iron and I defer to his better training in this respect)
LBoC ->"Levitate - stand straighter and taller than you feel natural, with an imaginary thread attached to the top of your skull..." oh shut up. That's sounds like torture, not calm.
BBoM ->think positive thoughts or else the Attack Badgers will get you, burble in an incoherent fashion, play golf.