martes, noviembre 14, 2006

Shout at the TV

Shouting at the TV is not normally a pastime that I indulge in, apart from football, which doesn't count. Everyone shouts at the TV when football is on, not all for the same reasons granted but why watch the game if you can't shout "shoot" at the defender in his own box with your team one goal down and the seconds tick away? Also, the award of a penalty - half of the bar shouting "YES" while the other half shout "What the fook was that you myopic retard?!", or words to that effect, at the referee.

Anyway, last night I found myself shouting at the TV. It was the last episodes of Prison Break and the escape, having been thoroughly planned was on. In typical TV 'oooo, let's make a drama out of it' fashion, anything that could go wrong did. They ran two episodes back to back and so the first ended in typical cliffhanger fashion, by which point I was so agitated I screamed "Not now you bast*rds!!" - which is a shame as I have been trying really hard not to swear. Now I'm no nearer to understanding what the chuff is going on since I started watching it. Except that the evil witch behind the conspiracy has now been sworn in as President of the USA. Unusual how often those three words appear in a sentence - 'evil', 'conspiracy' and 'USA' - message there maybe?

So on to my next, shout at the TV topic - horror movies. They never make me scared, I don't sleep with the lights on (highly un-Gothic) and have only been startled twice that I can recall. So I did a little research and rather unsurprisingly found a list which I include below for your perusal.

a luego,

How to survive a horror movie
  • When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.
  • If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetary, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house, move away immediately.
  • Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
  • Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
  • If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
  • When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
  • As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
  • Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
  • If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*
  • If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
  • Do not take *anything* from the dead.
  • If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
  • Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
  • If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
  • If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
  • Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
  • If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
  • Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.


6 comentarios:

MKWM dijo...

Wow, this is such an exhaustive list, Master!! The better way for me to survive a horror movie would simply be not to watch it at all, or else, to turn the volume completely off. I think creepy sounds can scare us much more than dreadful scenes.

Tippler dijo...

Er, I think he meant surviving 'being IN one'.

But I may, of course, be misguided as ever.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Oh semantics - I was pissed and it made me laugh. I was reading it as things I shout at films for - like "turn the bloody lights on" or "get out you moron"

Tippler dijo...

Or 'watch out, that looks fookin' sharp!'

SpanishGoth dijo...

Pantomime season "It's be-fookin-hind you".......

MKWM dijo...

None of us is misguided, Tippler.
Semantic analysis is not Greek to me. Besides, I knew the meaning of these words way before you heard them for the very first time...