lunes, noviembre 20, 2006

The Laws of Drinking Alcohol

As I have been drinking for more than 25 years now (not constantly - one does require sleep, sex etc) I feel I can postulate on my theories with some degree of expertise. To explain I have compiled this list along with explanations in English.

1) The degree of consumption is inversely proportional to the level of intelligence. -> the more you drink, the stupider you get. Sad but true. Bear in mind the phrase 'It seemed like a good idea at the time' - it's your 'get out of jail free' card and you may well need it.

2) There is a marked increase in the number of attractive people in any one place which correlates to consumption increasing -> stange how this one works. Walk into a bar and everyone is ugly. Five pints later and the place is full of attractive people. Ten pints later, it's like you have entered a beauty pageant. Until the morning afterwards and you wake up next to "gaaarrrgh - I didn't did I?".

3) The world is just a great big onion. -> Marvin Gaye has a lot to answer to over this song. He made some of the most beautiful songs ever and then came up with this. Unfortunately, after a few drinks this is the one you will be singing whilst attempting to climb out of the ditch you fell into on your way home.

4) Reality is a concept. -> speaks for itself really - or the Vodka/Whisky you're drinking tells you *hic* it's a conchept *hic*. 'Go on, just one more for the ditch!'.

5) Quality and quantity are relative in the space/time continuum. -> the first drink is quality, if it's not, then you are already aiming for a quantity type thing with predictably disastrous results.

6) 'Blame transferral' is healthy - not a bad idea as some 'do-gooders' / psychologists would have you believe. -> when all else fails, revert to rule 1 - it was a good idea at the time or "wasn't my idea - Kevin, Dave or erratic badgers on acid, thought it would be fun". Just keep repeating the mantra - not my fault - evil made me do it.

7) Laws of physics still apply although it doesn't seem that way at the time. -> flying seems a great idea. I mean Superman could do it in his 'skids'. However tempting it seems after imbibing alcohol - don't. The results are always disastrous. Physics rule - great ideas crash into trees.

8) Moderation is for people with no money. -> all men are created equal - bah humbug. Give me Gates's money and maybe we'll talk. Meantime, money for beer is all I need. The sex thing is nice if somewhat diverting.

9) All pandas are created equal. -> well, apart from the female/male panda thing. They all eat bamboo shoots. Jeez - the things that keep me awake at night.

10) Last orders were invented by Satan and don't apply outside the UK. -> ha. I'm so sorry about this one....NOT. Knew there was a reason I didn't want to live there anymore.

a luego *hic*,

4 comentarios:

Tippler dijo...

Don't be bloody silly.

'Last orders' were invented by the other one. You know, the twat with the long beard?

Not only does the devil have all the best tunes, but he runs the best bars too.

Last orders? *cue Al Pacino* "Forgid aboud it..."

SpanishGoth dijo...

Long time since you've been in YorkShite then. Do have last orders and it fookin sucks. At least here on the incontinent they're too pissed to ring/find the bell.

I'm goth remember - me and the long bearded one have been separated since I played my first Wizzard of Ozz record backwards.

Tippler dijo...

My point exactly.

The last time God visited Yorkshire was on the eighth day to dump his rubbish.

It's called 'Selby'.

SpanishGoth dijo...

I know, I used to go fishing there. Great place to find maggots is Selby. Suppose the Yorkshite Tourism company will be on about this. Nice prison there though ;-)